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В библиотеке Мошкова


True Aikido

Перевод на английский: Андрей Саммерс   
Translated by Andrey Summers  

There is no more True Aikido left out there. In this day and age, what they call Aikido is when two morons try to kick each other in the jaw and break each other's joints. Or whatever else they do these days; never seen it anyway.

The True Aikido was completely different. It required that you defeat your Enemy without using needless effort. In fact, you didn't even have come face to face with your Enemy.

Say, for example, your Enemy is approaching you with an axe in order to chop the fuck out of you. But you live in such a dump that on his way there he slipps on a pile of shit and falls into it face down, two times in a row. He gets so frustrated that he chops off his own finger. So who wins? You win! Perhaps you will not even know about the victory, which is victory in it's best form.

Or else, for example, the Enemy decided to curse you out or harass you in different ways. But your cell phone is turned off for non-payment and you don't answer the door anymore because some salesmen were bothering you. So the Enemy gets tired of ringing your doorbell and banging on your door, and bites his hand all the way through out of frustration. Here, you win again.

Another example: say you had no other choice but to come out on a tatami, or whatever they call it. The Enemy comes out too, growling. But you just stand there, like, you know, all barefoot, red spots on your hands and sniffing from the cold. The Enemy looks at you and all of a sudden becomes nostalgic about his barefoot childhood, remembers his little creek, a small carp he caught, his bobber and his fishing rod. He is crying now. He is not in a fighting mood anymore and goes home. On the way home - just like when he was little - your Enemy buys himself an icecream. Than gets sick from it and dies.

As usual, you win again.

Unfortunately, there are no more Masters of the True Aikido left in this world. They all disappeared somewhere. Sometimes you look at one and think he seems like a Master. But he is not. He failed once, lowered his watch, relaxed, gave into a thought for a second. Now he's been beaten ridiculed and slighted three times and is laying on the tatami with an axe in his back.


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